“…I think it would be best for us to cut ties with that president.”
Rinko harshly, coldly declared.
“I think so too. It’s possible he will bring us even worse trouble in the future.”
Shizuki had a bitter expression as she agreed.
“The scary part is how he didn’t mean anything bad with what he did.”
Akane complained as she sucked on the straw of a juice box.
It was after school of the next day now. We had gathered as usual at the music room, and I was reporting the details of yesterday. Unsurprisingly, the girls had strong opinions about it all.
“Yeah, but see, we owe Kakizaki-san for how much he’s helped us, and we were kind of in the middle of planning the Christmas live and all, so…”
All I had was a vague excuse.
“I mean, we’re still gonna do the Christmas live,” Akane said, “I hope so anyway. But it’s not like we’re not grateful for having been able to play for these kinds of big events and all, but like we need to think about what happens after this, too.”
She had a point. I would feel really bad for doing it to Kakizaki-san, but maybe we really should consider not playing for any Naked Egg events in the future. Or wait, wouldn’t it be a good idea for Kakizaki-san to consider a career change, too? Naked Egg always seemed to be on the verge of trouble…
“And what about Kaya? Did you talk to her after that?” Rinko continued.
“I sent her messages, but I haven’t gotten any replies back; she just leaves them on read. Maybe she just doesn’t want to talk to me? Do any of you want to try?”
“If there is anyone she would talk to, it would be you, Murase-kun.”
“If you can’t do it, Makoto-san, nobody in the world can!”
“If she’s not responding to messages, then call her! Are you even trying to talk to her?!”
Okay, hold on, what were they so angry about all of a sudden?
“Didn’t you know? If a girl leaves you on read, that means she’s waiting for you to call!”
Wait, really?
“But the only time I leave a message on read is when I need to think about a proper reply.”
“For me, it can be really annoying to think of a reply. And if it is to a message from someone especially annoying, I will just leave them on read.
“So which one is it?! All three of you have different reasons!”
“Why are you two giving real answers? If we got our stories straight, Makoto-chan really would believe it, and we could get him to call us just by ignoring him.”
“Oh oops.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t think of it that way.”
“Wait, the calling thing was a lie? Really? Like actually?”
“It doesn’t matter, just hurry up and call her already. All you have to know is that if she left you on read, it means she hasn’t blocked you, and that means she will still talk to you.”
That was easy for her to say, but it wasn’t like Kaya would for sure pick up. Besides, I was the one taking mental damage by making the call, hello?
Still, it was true that nothing would happen if we didn’t talk, and so I had no choice but to call Kaya through LINE.
It felt as though over two hours passed as I stared at the outgoing call screen on my phone. At some point, I started feeling uncomfortable from how hard the girls were staring at me, so I turned my back to them without saying a word.
After what felt like an eternity, the call finally connected; I quickly moved over to the window.
“…Uh, this is Murase speaking.”
For a while, there was no response. I could hear the faint sounds of people, of wood scraping against metal, of rubber hitting concrete in the silence, as though layers of gauze were muffling it all. I started feeling anxious, wondering if it really had been Kaya who picked up. Classes should have let out by now; was she still at school?
“…I’m sorry.”
Then I heard her voice. I swallowed the saliva pooling in my mouth. What was she apologizing for?
“No, I should be the one apologizing — for calling you out of the blue like this. And, uh, well…”
I nervously licked my lips. I hadn’t given any thought to what I should be saying. For a moment, I considered switching to speaker mode so the girls could talk for me, but I shook my head and scolded myself for thinking it; I was the one who invited Kaya, so I had to take responsibility for that now.
“Yesterday… you were there at the office, right? I thought I saw you for a moment.”
“Yes… And I’m sorry about what happened, for overhearing that conversation.”
So she had overheard us. But how much did she hear? Well, not that I needed to ask; it was obvious enough.
“Anyway, about what happened in the group chat –“
“Please give my apologies to the others. I’ve already caused more than enough trouble, forcing everyone to let me join.”
The words she stopped me from speaking lingered and hardened at the back of my throat, becoming a painful blockage.
“After all, I’m just not good enough to play together with everyone.”
“Okay, wait, what are you saying?”
I forced myself to speak, just to get a word in. I desperately tried to think of the words I needed to weave together. What was I even supposed to say? How had it come to this?
“What do you mean, ‘not good enough’? All of us approve of how you play; you’re an amazing bassist, and we want to play with you. That’s why I invited you. It never mattered that the audition was something President Tamamura made up.”
I heard a sniffle come from the other end of the line.
“…But the only reason why I could meet you was because of my father’s connections.”
“And that matters even less!”
“If I keep playing in the band with everyone, all I’ll think about is how I’m only able to be there because of my father. And I would have to carry that thought around. And you still want me to play music with that?”
Of course I am; you hold onto that, and you keep playing. That thought came to mind, but I couldn’t say those words out loud. I was afraid, afraid that the littlest touch would cause Kaya’s tear-filled voice to overflow.
“That’s why… I’m sorry.”
The call disconnected.
As I let the hand that held my smartphone drop, contradictory emotions flooded my heart like cold boiling water. I turned to stare blankly out the window; there was a tall ginkgo tree just outside, whose bright yellow leaves clung desperately to the branches even as the winds of winter continued to blow.
I turned away from the window and back to the room to find Rinko, Shizuki, and Akane were now gathered around the desk by the blackboard and staring at me. They all had the same emotion in their eyes, but it wasn’t worry or anxiety; I didn’t know what it was, but it was a feeling like they were waiting for something.
I collapsed into a nearby seat.
I found myself staring blankly again, this time at the darkened screen of my smartphone.
I could sense someone approaching, and their shadow suddenly loomed over my hands on the desk.
“Right, um… about Kaya…”
“From the way you were talking, Murase-kun, I could guess what she said,” Rinko said.
I felt a little relieved I wouldn’t have to explain it all to them.
Another presence drew closer, dropping to my eye level, and I felt long strands of hair caressing my thigh through my slacks — it had to be Shizuki. And then there was a faint warmth against my back — Akane, who must have been peering over my shoulders.
With the three of them surrounding me like this, I felt my unease ebb away as I finally calmed down.
A new feeling welled up within me — indignation.
What did it matter if she had gotten here using her father’s connections? That didn’t matter anymore now that we had come this far. it was so stupid, so meaningless for her to be acting this way over nothing.
But at the same time, I could empathize with her, with that petty bit of pride. It was the kind of pride that took root within the dark depths of the heart, the same depths from which groove and voice took form. It was a place neither word nor logic could reach.
So what was I supposed to do?
My fingers seemed to claw at my phone with instinctive frustration, and before I knew what was happening, I found myself staring at the search results of Kaya’s father’s name. I vaguely recalled President Tamamura referring to him as ‘Kyouhei-ontai” but was he really all that important? According to this, he won the Record Awards, but so what? He’s shown up in Kouhaku seventeen times in a row, but who cares? He hasn’t released anything new recently, and his discography consisted of Showa era songs. Wasn’t this guy a literal who?
I fished my earphones out of my pocket and plugged them into my phone.
I selected one of the songs. Then I flicked past it. And then I flicked past the next, and the next one after. They were all so similar, with titles and lyrics that smelt of grease and age. I could feel the anger that writhed in my stomach warping into a different emotion. I wanted to vomit. I traced the inside of my dry mouth with my tongue, desperately trying to swallow saliva that wasn’t there.
“So now what, Makoto-chan?” came Akane’s voice from behind. “What should we do?”
“Even with Kaya-san gone, there isn’t anything missing from our performance, but…” Shizuki whispered, “We all know how much you wanted her to perform with us, Makoto-san. You even gave up your own part.”
“Well… I guess I did…”
I gave her a vague reply but didn’t stop moving my fingers.
“But still, we’re talking about a family that’s big in the entertainment industry. I don’t know how deep this all goes. I’m not even sure if outsiders like us should be getting involved…”
“Just having Makoto-san is good enough for me, so I don’t think we need to go so far…”
“But with Kaya-chan on the bass, you’re like an entirely different person; you get all riled up and into it, like it’s making you feel good or go crazy or something. You sure you can just quit that?”
“Please don’t describe it like I’m using drugs! And doesn’t that happen to you too, Akane-san? You look practically euphoric every time Kaya-san sings the upper harmonics, because you know Makoto-san can’t do the same!”
I let out a sigh as I massaged both temples with one hand.
Shizuki and Akane seemed to be talking about something, though I couldn’t hear very well over the earphones I wore. For some reason, Shizuki would turn to peek at my profile; each time she did, it seemed more and more unease filled her eyes. I felt I should say something to her, but with the phone holding half of my attention, I couldn’t think of the right words.
“Everything will be fine. It will all work out.”
An unexpected reassurance suddenly came out of Rinko; for some reason, I heard her clearly, too.
“Just look at Murase-kun, look at his eyes. Those aren’t the eyes of someone without a plan.”
Rinko was now at the side of my desk, and she leaned over to peer up at my face. I instinctively leaned back.
“…You know this is the look I have when I haven’t figured out a song to listen to, right?”
My eyes began darting back and forth between the distraction that was Rinko’s face and my phone screen. After the third time, I gave up on my phone, setting it down on the desk and sighing deeply as I leaned back against my chair.
That Rinko… Sometimes she really did seem to understand me better than I do myself.
“Like I said: I’ve been seeing you for a very long time,” Rinko murmured, wearing a faint smile. She took the seat to my side, mirroring Shizuki, and moved the desk over accordingly before reaching a hand to my ear.
“Um, excuse me, Rinko-san? Why are you casually sharing earphones with Makoto-san as though it were the most natural thing to do?”
Shizuki sounded almost hysterical. Rinko, having already taken an earbud and placed it into her own ear, calmly shrugged as she answered.
“I’m just doing something we have already done a number of times before.”
But actually we’ve only done this once.
“I can’t just let you do that, so I will be taking the other one!”
And like that, Shizuki took my other earbud out of my ear for herself. That left me inbetween Rinko and Shizuki, who now shared the earphones. What was even happening?
“Okay, now you two are just being unfair! That means I get both!”
Akane suddenly joined the fray, taking both earbuds from them.
“And now it’s fair since I get to listen with both sides.”
“What part of this is fair, Akane-san? Now you’re the only one able to listen to the music!”
“With only two earbuds and three of us, there can only be war.”
I began massaging my temples again with my right hand as my head began to ache from the girls’ noisy quarrel. I didn’t want to hear anymore, so with my left hand, I unplugged my earphones from the phone’s jack.
“Oh…”
The girls stopped moving.
“O-oh, right… we can all listen to the music together through the phone speakers. You’re a genius, Makoto-san!”
“It should’ve been obvious! Now, could you all stop distracting me?”
“What, it’s not that big of a deal, Makoto-chan. Now we can pick a song together!”
“Huh? No way, with four of us, it’s going to take even longer to decide on what song to –“
But then a moment later, we already came to a decision.
When the chorus of the currently playing song began, the four of us soundlessly exchanged looks.
We exchanged not a single word among us, and yet the girls sprung into action. Akane took her own phone out and searched up the song’s lyrics. Rinko move from her seat to the piano bench and began tracing the accompaniment. Shizuki retrieved an IC recorder from her bag and placed it on the music stand.
Songs like this really were out there in the world.
“Oh hey, it’s got English lyrics. You guys wanna use ’em?” Akane asked, “It’d be better if she didn’t recognize the song, right?”
“Right, yeah. It should help,” I answered, nodding.
“Are you able to transcribe the score, Rinko-san?”
“The chords aren’t very complex, so putting together a demo tape won’t be a problem.”
And before long, we had a demo tape after just one take, featuring Rinko’s piano and Akane’s vocals. Rinko quickly uploaded the recording and a text file with the lyrics to the cloud, and sent the files’ download link to the group chat. Everything was finished in under an hour.
“Oh, thanks.”
I blankly answered, looking over the girls.
“I didn’t expect everyone to help out like this. I mean, in the first place, I thought none of you were happy with me selfishly pulling Kaya into the group and all…”
“You noticed?” Akane said with a laugh. “I mean, we are unhappy, but it’s not about Kaya-chan, you know.”
“Huh?”
“I still think you should stay the bassist, Makoto-san,” Shizuki added, “but I would be more unhappy letting Kaya-san drop out of the group like this.”
“It would be best if you were able to choose from every option available, Murase-kun,” Rinko gave a nod as she spoke, “and for that reason, we will do everything we can to bring Kaya back.”
The only reponse I could muster was an awkward smile.
Seriously, these three… they were so good, more than I could ever hope for.
I put my earphones back on and let myself become immersed in Akane’s voice and Rinko’s piano. The rest was up to me now, and this was a real challenge of a song; there were long breaths and many rests, and if the obbligato hesitated even a little, the entire song becomes uneven. I could hear the strings and the brass, the piano and the guitar — all kinds of colorful instruments echoed through my mind, playing out different scenes in behind my closed eyelids.
And I thought over Rinko’s words: every option available, she had said…
If Kaya were to return – if she were to come back to be the bassist of Paradise Noise Orchestra again – the first words I wanted share with her would be…
Well, that would a terrible, horrible thing to say… But that was also how I truly felt.
And so, for the sake of my ego, for the sake of every option available, for the sake of my beloved solitude… I now wished for Kaya.
*
With November now coming to an end, the days grew shorter while the evenings turned colder. Making the short walk from Shinjuku Station to Moon Echo even left my hands so cold and numb that I needed time to recover after arriving at the studio before I could start playing my instrument.
“So? Will Kaya be coming?”
Rinko asked as she clutched a disposable pocket heater in both hands.
“I don’t know for sure… I did send messages, but she’s still leaving me on read.”
“Only messages? Again? Why didn’t you call her?”
Akane complained. She was clasping hands together with Shizuki to warm up faster.
“I mean, that first time… ended really awkwardly, so I didn’t want to try again. Besides, I doubt she’d pick up.”
“There’s no way she would not pick up! If it were me, I would answer your call in less than two seconds, Makoto-san!”
This isn’t about calling you though, Shizuki…
“Anyway, I did send the files for the demo tape and the lyrics, so hopefully she does come –“
A painful squeak suddenly hit my ears, causing me to swallow my words.
Our eyes naturally turned to where the sound had come from: the entrance. There, the heavy, soundproof door was slowly – almost frustratingly so – opening, and after a long moment, in slipped Kaya, bundled up in a thick coat. Her face was bright red, her breathing was ragged, and her scarf was loose and about to slip off; she must have been running.
“Kaya-chan! You made it!”
Akane leapt to her feet and ran over, but Kaya brushed her aside and came straight to me.
“The stream, is it… Did you already go live? Please take it down!”
Three pairs of puzzled eyes turned to stare at me.
“What stream?” Rinko asked, looking between me and Kaya.
I wasn’t sure where I should be looking, so I faced the Ampeg amplifier.
“So, uh, I wasn’t sure if Kaya would come if I asked, so I told her we already announced a live stream at the studio at 6 PM, where we would be introducing a new member. It was a lie of course, but…”
“You lied to me?!”
The only response I had to Kaya’s piercing accusation was to keep facing down.
“Wow, you’re the worst, Makoto-chan.”
“Isn’t it wonderful how Makoto-san can lie to a girl as naturally as he breathes?”
“After all that’s happened and how hurt she was by all the lies, you just went and told Kaya another lie, Murase-kun? That’s inhumane, even for you.”
I didn’t need them to keep reminding me…
“Okay, then what should I have done? If I hadn’t lied to her, she might not have even bothered to come, and then everything we put together would go to waste!”
Kaya’s face was now as red as a hoozuki tree in the late autumn. She turned on her heels and walked to the door, but just as she was about to leave, I desperately reached toward her, calling out.
“H-hey, wait, hold on! I’m sorry for lying to you — I really am! But please, can you stay for one song? Just one, I promise!”
“No, I’m leaving.”
Kaya was about to shake off my hand when another hand reached over from another side and took her by the wrist. She stopped in surprise for a moment, but when she tried shaking that off, the hand wouldn’t budge.
After all, it was Rinko’s hand.
“Listen, Kaya, the song we will be playing…”
Rinko drew close, pressing herself against Kaya’s back as though to hold her down, and whispered into her ear.
“It will be a special song, one that will never be uploaded nor performed live. In fact, you could even say that this is a song Paradise Noise Orchestra is playing for you and you alone.”
Kaya trembled against Rinko’s arms.
“And we will perform it regardless if you stay or not. But see, after that, we will never play it again. If you really aren’t interested, then feel free to leave.”
Kaya slowly turned around, glaring at Rinko. Boiling, angry words clearly waited to leap out from her throat, but Kaya remained silent. In the end, she quietly lowered her head, backed up to the wall, and took off her coat before squatting low to the floor.
I let out a sigh of relief, one small enough that no one else could hear.
I returned to setting up the bass, and when I finished, I carefully approached Kaya again and called out.
“The song, the one I sent earlier… Have you listened to it?”
Kaya gave an almost imperceptible nod without looking at me, and I only barely caught it.
“That… isn’t an original song you wrote is it, Murase-senpai? It was in English and all.”
“Yeah, well… It’s gospel music. The song is Arms of Another by an old jazz singer from England named Helen Shapiro… You’ve probably never heard of her.”
She didn’t recognize the song. That was good; for what we were doing, it was better that she didn’t know it.
Because that meant we could take it… and make her understand what that song really meant.
“So I would prefer if you could play the bass in my place, Kaya, but…”
“…I won’t. I’m just an outsider.”
Kaya replied in a faint voice; she still avoided looking at me.
Well, I expected as much, so I had no choice here. I returned to the amp and slung the bass strap over my shoulder.
And now, four gazes met in the middle of the studio room.
After a measured four-count from Shizuki, we began, playing a beat that spread like ripples across still water; the stroke of the piano and the beat of the bass drum were our oars, cutting through the water. And then there was Akane’s voice, shining like a light to clear away the darkness before us.
It was just a single, solitary beam of light, but it burned bright enough to sear the heart.
I felt myself choking up, from the overwhelming gratitude of having met everyone here and what I discovered because of it. In meeting Rinko, I discovered the secret of an unreachable paradise that existed within reach everywhere. In meeting Shizuki, I discovered the beauty of a nameless, withered flower that drifted onto distant shores. In meeting Akane, I discovered the power of the gloaming sky that cast the lingering sunlight away to the other side of the world.
I looked toward Kaya, who was still cowering in the corner.
In meeting you, I discovered my ego — the ego with a greed that threatens to consume me from within, and the ego that wants you to know.. about this song.
I pushed through the darkness, walking with Akane’s voice at my back. The ground beneath my feet had become solid, enough to support me, and pulled me forward. I could feel the kicks that came from Shizuki — kicks that followed my accelerating steps. They felt so deep, and yet I could feel her tender kindness that was her drumming in them. And Rinko was there too; her sound, a sequence of chords that was like a dissonant bell, gently seeped into the gaps in the song. It was a phrase not to fill the empty loneliness but to stand sad and poignant against that harsh headwind.
I stepped forward, to the mic stand.
And we set it free into the desert sky.
Grains of sand spread beneath the steps we took and scattered to the wind, drawing a proud trail behind us in the echoes of the snare. Akane’s voice pushed for the sky and spread wide; my voice was the bonfire below with praise ablaze. Voices, more voices, leapt into this fire, and each addition sent its flames soaring higher — Rinko’s voice, then Shizuki’s voice, then… a third voice – one so huge it enveloped the chorus – a man’s voice.
I looked toward Kaya once more.
She had gotten to her feet, without anyone noticing. Her eyes were open, wide, and she was scanning the room in search of the owner of that huge voice. And why wouldn’t you? You should know that voice. It’s a voice that has always been with you, watching you, protecting you, holding you by the hand since the day you were born.
That’s why…
Having cycled through the verse and the chorus once, we eased up, with Akane’s voice returning to the ground to leave footprints in the sand. I slowly, quietly approached Kaya and motioned at the body of the Precision Bass with a nod.
…You should be playing.
Kaya hesitated, turning down to avoid my gaze. But I wouldn’t give up so easily; I plucked at the open strings with my fingertips and took another step closer. This was your place, you know, and try as you might, you can’t escape who you really are.
And finally, Kaya turned to face up at me.
Her eyes seemed on the verge of tears; even so, she stepped forward, towards me. I lifted my bass by its neck and pushed it out to her with my right hand. I didn’t want to interrupt the song, so I kept the strap around my own neck and bore the weight of my instrument. And that’s why… don’t stay lost in your tears. I’ll be here, standing beside you, supporting you. All you need to do is play.
Kaya slipped her small body into my arms; she took the bass by the neck out of my left hand, while the fingers of her right hand grasped for the bridge and brushed against the strings.
And then, Kaya’s beat pulled me in and dragged me along.
What had been coming from the speakers behind me was the amplifed version of the weak sounds I had made from my playing. But things had changed; I felt a tremor erupt from the body of the bass, shaking me to my core as though the strings were connected directly to my heart. It was then I understood it wasn’t just a single sound coming from the instrument; there were layers on top of layers of, going beyond basic reverberations in the air to give real shape to the music. Within this boundary, this zone of instruments, it was like the world and the people in it had disappeared; all we had – our blood, our flesh, our very bones – hummed, buzzed, absorbed, shook.
Akane’s voice took flight once more, but this time, Kaya joined in, sending her voice into the mic as though to give chase. From below then, that voice began to rise as well, bringing with it thousands of shadows from the depths of the earth. As for me, there wasn’t much else to do; all I could do now was pray they continued to ascend, even as I surrendered myself to the blaze they had stoked. And then, by the third repeat of the chorus, it was like I could no longer tell where I ended and where Kaya begun; her body, sandwiched close between my body and the Precision Bass, seemed to have melted into my own. I could feel the strings cutting into my fingers; I could feel a feminine voice coming out of me. Then, during a fleeting, momentary break in the song, Akane turned; with a voice riding the fading sparkle of the piano, she gave the last verse as though speaking to me.
No, not to me but to Kaya. This was a song for Kaya, a place for Kaya.
The long, winding trail of music shattered with a final clap of the cymbals, scattering to the winds in pieces the air absorbed until it all finally disappeared…
Kaya shyly freed herself from the confines of myself and the bass and retreated back to the wall.
When we had parted, it was as though half of my body had torn away; all that remained was a chilling phantom pain.
We all kept silent for a time, in that little studio that was filling with white noise; we quietly watched to see where the sounds were going.
“Just now…”
The first to open their mouth and break the silence was Kaya.
“…was my father’s voice, in that song, right? But why?”
I took a deep breath then turned my head to eye the laptop by Rinko’s feet.
So our plan worked; the song reached her. Thank goodness.
“It was. I sampled it from Shigasaki Kyouhei’s album and used it for the chorus.”
“Huh… So then… Wait, huh? My father’s album? But this song was in English –“
“Right, so about that…”
It was starting to feel awkward, so I kept my eyes on the laptop as I replied.
“I’m really sorry for tricking you again, but the thing is that this song is actually an English cover of another one — a decades-old song called Ano Kane wo Narasuno ha Anata. It came up a lot in Kouhaku Uta Gassen, but, well, it’s also one of those Showa era kayoukyoku that you seemed to hate, Kaya.”
I heard a small gasp.
“And the thing is, a lot of people covered it — your dad included. And, well, what happened was, I listened to all of your dad’s songs on a music streaming app. I felt the same way you did though — they were all just old, boring, and meaningless songs. And then I started wondering, why had Shigasaki Kyouhei sung so many bad songs, as good as he was at singing? But then I got to this one…”
I gently ran my fingers along the Precision Bass’s pickup.
“As soon as I listened to it, I knew it was special. The four of us listened to it together, and we all came to that same conclusion — it was just that kind of song, really. And that’s why we chose to play it.
I lifted my head and turned my face.
And finally, I met Kaya’s gaze head-on. She still had a confused expression.
“And I think that’s really what music’s all about: you keep what you think is good and ignore the ones that aren’t. The music we obssess over now will end up the same in fifty or even a hundred years; selfish kids, just like us, will pick and choose what they like out of it and eat it right up, to take with them into the future. That’s how music’s come so far, through this cycle of selfishness, and I bet it will just continue that way in the future.”
I unslung the strap around my shoulders and placed the heavy instrument back on its stand. I could feel dregs of heat escape from my body and scatter into the air. By now, Kaya was leaning back against the wall, slowly sliding down to her feet.
I took one step toward her… then another and another, bending my knees lower as I walked until I matched her eye level.
“Which is why it’s fine for you to be selfish. There’s nothing wrong with taking just the bits and pieces you can use. So what if its all connections or obligations or whatever? None of that is worth anything compared to the sound of our ensemble playing here. You could even just throw all of that away.”
I reached toward her with a hand and confronted that ego with my bare, honest words.
“It’s your sound that I want, Kaya.”
She had no answer; not a single word passed her lips. Her eyes were on the verge of tears, but each time they threatened to overflow, she forced her eyes closed to hold it back.
And eventually…
…she slowly, heistantly stretched her hand out to take mine.
I had to have been feeling the most relief in the room, but to keep from showing it, I quickly pulled Kaya back up to stand on her feet.
The sky had long gone dark by the time we were out of Moon Echo. The wind felt especially painful and cold against my heated body as it came down the building, but the best I could do was hold my bass case closer and keep my hands in my coat pockets. Meanwhile, the four of them were already waiting for me by the guardrail.
“So Murase-senpai is the one who always covers the studio fees?”
“That’s right, and it is also why he takes the biggest cut out of the video revenue.”
“We do get to use the studio for free sometimes, but it’s a lot easier if we just do it this way.”
“And now that you’re joining us, Kaya-san, the split should be something like…”
It sounded like they were explaining how the administration stuff worked for the band. To my relief, it didn’t sound like there were any bad vibes after all that had happened, and I quickly made my way over.
“Are we gonna go to McDonald’s today?” Akane asked me as I drew closer, “We only played one song, and we’re not gonna play it live, so it doesn’t feel like we need to have a meeting just for that.”
“It did come out well though, so we should consider adding it to our repertoire.”
“I think so too; it would be a waste if we just left it like that.”
Having another meeting, was it…
There was something I wanted to say that would have felt out-of-place if I were to say it once we had calmed and settled down; even now, thinking of what I wanted to say was weighing heavy on my heart — it would be better to just say it here, right on the street.
“So, um, actually, about our upcoming show. There’s something I have to say.”
Naturally all four pairs of eyes focused on me as I spoke up. I instinctively froze up.
Hey, come on now, speak up already. Hadn’t I made a decision?
Rinko and Akane and Shizuki and now Kaya. I looked at each of their faces in turn. I turned my head down, breathing deep to resolve myself, before looking back up.
“It’s just one small and selfish thing. That’s all.”
The lack of response left me with a bad feeling; there were cars coming by beyond the guardrail, and it felt like the passing engines were covering up my words with the smoke of noise. Each of the girls had different looks in their eyes – Rinko was impatient and urging me on, Shizuki seemed frighteningly ready to accept anything I said, and Akane looked obviously amused from what was happening – though I was much too guilty to check on Kaya.
Somehow I forced my mouth to move.
“For the Christmas live show, I want you all to perform without me.”
The air around us seemed to freeze over in stiff tension, as though we had just discovered we were standing over a frozen lake.
After about ten seconds of silence, Rinko spoke up; “Why?” she asked. Her voice seemed to have lost all emotion, but I was a thousand times more grateful to hear her speak than to have the silence continue. I clung to her question as I responded.
“The thing is… recently I feel like I’ve been getting lost in all of this. Like, the band keeps growing, we’re getting more fans, and we’re playing at bigger venues, but… I mean, I was always only doing stuff on my own, so now, with all of this… I don’t know how to explain it, but I just can’t seem to settle down.”
I took my hands out of my pockets, exposing them to the chill of the night wind. I opened my balled fists and then clenched them shut — I repeated this a number of times, like I was trying to grab hold of something… but there was nothing to grab.
“So I want some time for myself, alone. And… I think it would help if I tried listening to how the band sounds from a different angle, from the outside. That’s all.”
Shizuki drew a half-step closer, and then she spoke in the gentlest tone I’d ever heard from her.
“And then, after the Christmas live show, you will come back… right?”
I turned to face her. I struggled to find an answer before turning my stare to the ground.
Akane gave a weak laugh.
“During times like this, Makoto-chan, it really hurts that you’re too honest to lie.”
I hadn’t just hung my head because of the cold.
“I will definitely come back — is what I should have confidently said, but… well, if I was able to do that, I wouldn’t have this kind of selfish request in the first place.”
And that was that; I’d laid everything bare. The guilt and the shame kept me from lifting my head up, but then Rinko…
“I don’t mind. Besides, I know you will come back, Murase-kun.”
Shizuki followed her, balling her fists.
“I am also fine with it. I will endure and patiently wait out your prison sentence, Makoto-san!”
Akane, mischievous as ever, had words that tugged on my ears like usual.
“It’s pretty normal for people to check their band out by going solo.”
But there was one person who wasn’t as composed; I could already guess how red Kaya was as she raised her voice.
“Wh-what are you talking about, Murase-senpai? After all of this, of bringing me into the band? Or are you telling me you’re only bringing me in to be your substitute?”
“It’s not like that, but… I can see why you would think that. And, well, it’s actually the opposite, Kaya. It’s because you joined that I feel like I can take a step back from the band.”
“After all of.. that? You just strung me along like that, and now you’re running away!? Wh-what am I supposed to… If Mu-murase-senpai is… then I…”
Kaya abruptly stopped speaking; she seemed to have choked back her words halfway through, and she just closed her mouth and turned on her heel.
“Ugh, I’ve had enough! I’m going home!”
And like that, Kaya stomped off with long, angry strides along the sidewalk — until she stopped at the crossing, turning to yell to us.
“I have a private tutor every Tuesday and Thursday, so I can’t be at the studio on those days! Every other day I’m only available after 5 PM! Just send me the schedule over LINE! And Murase-senpai — you dummy! I’ll never forgive you!”
The signal turned color, and Kaya bolted towards the train station. Her back was out-of-sight once she rounded the corner of the next building.
I shambled over to sit against the guardrail, letting out a sticky, weary sigh to the ground.
“You really, truly are the worst of the worst,” Rinko said in a flat voice. I could only bury my face in my hands in response, but she still had more to say. “…but that part of you, Murase-kun, is why I –“
“– why you keep spoiling him, Rin-chan!” Akane interrupted, sounding like she was holding back laughter.
“And there isn’t anything she can do about it. Not that anything short of dying will fix it, so all she can do is accept and love it as it is.”
Shizuki spoke like she completely understood everything and nothing.
And, well, this time… this time I really had no excuse for it.
“So just leave Kaya-san to use, Makoto-san. We can take care of her, so go ahead and rest easy as you serve out your sentence.”
Did you really have to make it sound like I was actually going to prison…
“Yeah, so for the time being… I’ll be leaving Kaya in your hands,” I finally answered and bowed my head, “And you know, she’s admired PNO for a while — she said it was her dream to play together, right? So she’ll probably feel better after a few sessions, or… maybe not?”
The girls were strangely silent; I raised my head to see what had happened, only to find Rinko, Shizuki, and Akane staring at me in wide-eyed disbelief.
What was it? Was there something wrong with what I said?
“This is your greatest crime yet — the real reason why you’re in prison, Murase-kun,” Rinko said, her lips twisting in unamusement.
“I’m thinking his sentence gets five times longer…” Akane added.
“Did you really not realize it, Makoto-san? Though I cannot say I’m surprised.”
“What are you guys…”
“Do you remember what Kaya-san had said when we met? How she started playing the bass because she watched a certain video on the Internet, at a time when she was overwhelmed with work on that movie? If you consider the timing, that would be at least one year ago — that is, when PNO did not exist yet.”
I froze up, and I could feel my mouth widening in shock.
Right, that movie just came out last spring, which meant production had to have gone on until at least last year — and PNO had formed over the summer… But wait, Kaya had mentioned a “girl that looked like she was my age” so…
And it suddenly hit me, the identity of that ‘girl’.
“…Aaaahhhh!”
Amidst my horrifying realization, Shizuki sighed before continuing.
“That’s right: the ‘person’ Kaya-san has admired this whole time.. is none other than MusaOtoko.”
Thinking back on it, when I was cross-dressing…
Back then, as MusaOtoko, I had only ever recorded myself playing the guitar or the keyboard. With that in mind, it would make sense to learn the bass — to play ‘together with me’, that is… But, then…
“And you never noticed all the times Kaya-chan’s had to stop herself from accidentally calling you MusaO?”
Akane continued, kicking me while I was down.
“I cannot believe he would treat a girl this badly, much less one that admired him so much she taught herself the bass. There has to be a limit to how inhumane he can be…”
Rinko was as merciless as usual, and I could feel myself going numb from it the unrelenting assault.
“…but that part of you, Murase-kun, is why I –“
“– why you keep spoiling him, Rin-chan!”
“Makoto-san was cruel in a convenient way this time, so I think I can go easier on him!”
“What the, Shizu-chan? If that’s how you’re gonna be, then two can play at that game! Makoto-chan, I hope you stay the same, being the same selfish person that can walk all over someone’s heart without hesitation!”
It felt as though they were stabbing me with knives made of melted, hardened sugar. And right now, under tonight’s cold sky, all I wanted was to curl up, close my eyes, and let sleep take me.
Still, I made my decision. If I were to have second thoughts because of the guilt, then I shouldn’t have made it in the first place. Having resolved myself, I raised my face once again to meet the gazes of my fellow band members.
“So… well… I have no excuse for how selfish I’m being with my request and all, but… I mean, I really do want to keep playing with everyone in the band, so I have a lot to think about. But really, as much as I want to confidently say I’ll definitely be back… Well, it wouldn’t be completely sincere, I think, so…”
“It won’t be a problem, and I understand; if you were that sure you would return, you wouldn’t be taking a break in the first place.”
Rinko said as a faint smile hovered on her lips. I could feel my face heating, even my ears, heating up, and for some reason, I couldn’t bear to look directly at her. It really did amaze me — how did she know me even better than I knew myself?
“Yeah! So go and watch the Christmas live from the audience side, in regret! We’ll put on a show so good, you’re gonna come begging and crying on your knees to be back!”
Akane slapped at my chest as she spoke. I savored that pleasant feeling of pain as I nodded.
I was so glad, so grateful that I met these girls.
And like that, we all walked side-by-side down the sidewalk, toward the station. The wind that came down from the buildings around us was as fierce as ever, but for some reason it seemed less cold now.
It would have been great for the day to end just like this, on such a happy note, but alas, it was not meant to be as Shizuki suddenly raised her voice.
“Ah, actually, there was one more thing! I almost forgot because I was still enjoying the afterglow of our session!”
We stopped and looked at Shizuki.
“…What now?”
“There was another crime Makoto-san committed that we almost overlooked — did you see how close he got to Kaya-san?! He was completely stuck on her like it was normal!”
“…Huh?”
Then I remembered.
“Hey, yeah, now that you mention it, he was like super close to her when they played the bass. Wow… I didn’t even think about it until you pointed that out — he really is a natural, huh?”
“Well, for Murase-kun, his specialty is literally using a girl to play an instrument as a pretext to get touchy-feely with her.” 1
“Wait, but that’s.. uh… You see…”
I panicked, unable to find the words to answer with.
“I mean, if I took the bass off and gave it to her, well, there would’ve been a gap in the performance, right? So I had no choice — you can see that, right?”
“You must have known Kaya-san would not have brought her own instrument and that she wouldn’t have been willing to play at the start! It was all part of your plan!”
“N-no, wait, no! That’s not it at all! It was all a spur of the moment thing!”
“Doesn’t that make it even more amazing that you naturally thought to do that? See, normally, most boys would hesitate to even get close to a girl.”
“Aaaaaaahhh!!”
All I could do was run, and so… that was how the day actually ended.
Still, I had brought it all on myself, and this was just another result of my egotistical decision, so I couldn’t expect anyone to help me out of it. And for now, that was how it would be for me: being lost, lighting a fire in the dark, ringing a bell to find my way — I would have to do it all on my own.
1: Rinko uses nininbaori (二人羽織) here, a kind of comedy skit that best describes what Murase and Kaya just did together.
Headcanon TL 
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