I received a LINE message from Shizuki on the night of New Year’s Eve — about the girls having a sleepover at Akane’s house.
What followed was a picture: Akane in the lower center, Shizuki taking the right half, Kaya timidly peeking in from the left, and Rinko at the back looking uninterested. They were dressed so casually compared to what they wore on Christmas Eve, but what surprised me the most was that they were all there, together; specifically, since Kaya was a middle schooler, she should’ve had a strict curfew, so had she gotten her parents’ permission?
Then came a message from Akane.
“Let’s do an overnight Eve at the Hachiman!”
There was a small Hachiman shrine about five minutes away from the station. It was coincidentally also halfway between here and Akane’s house.
But still, to have an overnight shrine visit with the rest of the band?
I didn’t reply, leaving the message on read, and instead flopped over on my bed to think it over in anguish.
The last time I’d seen the girls was at the show, on Christmas.
I had gone straight home that day, after the show, and with it being winter break, I wasn’t going to school and seeing them. Having left the band as well, I wouldn’t be going to studio practice and seeing them.
That wasn’t to say I was doing solo stuff either.
I hadn’t touched any of my instruments at all over the past week; all I’d done besides sleeping and waking up was aimlessly play games, slowly work on my backlog of books, or watch movies I wasn’t really interested in, all the while checking for new LINE messages. Of course, I hadn’t finished my homework either.
So just like that, half of my winter break had passed with me just idling away.
My LINE chat with Hanazono-sensei hadn’t changed since the 25th either, and when I tried to call, it would just go straight to a system message telling me the call could not connect. My heart would ache each time this happened.
How had her surgery gone, I kept wondering.
And why hadn’t she contacted me? I buried my face into the pillow as negative thoughts coursed through my mind. Maybe her family had gotten so busy that they didn’t have the time to spare for an old student of hers? But if that were the case, and Hanazono-sensei herself wasn’t in a position to just contact me, then… but…
I turned my head to stare at the toy piano resting by the window.
I hadn’t touched that since Christmas either, not when it carried as many feelings as it did. Hearing even a single note of that keyboard would call forth the emotions behind those four Christmas songs from the depths of my being.
And, above all, I still felt the pain of being deceived, so fresh as it was in my heart.
At least, having had time to process it all, I understood why Hanazono-sensei had arranged such an elaborate scheme to ultimately deliver a Christmas present to me.
She knew it could very well be the last thing she ever gave me – her last chance to do anything when she would be preparing for her surgery – so she put together that Advent that was like a dream. In reality, it wasn’t just to fool me but also herself, to create a fake version of herself that was looking forward to Christmas alongside her student.
If her sister hadn’t told me – if I’d never figured it out myself – that lie might have continued even beyond Christmas.
Or maybe… it was still going on, even now. Even if it were just a lie and already in pieces, so long as the final verse wasn’t sung, it would continue as an echo, as an eternal fade-out.
My phone suddenly let out another notification tone, as though it were irritated.
It was another message from Akane, a picture. This one showed Rinko in focus, and her familiar uninterested expression filled the screen, though she seemed slightly displeased this time.
“Uh-oh, it’s an angry Rin-chan ’cause you’re ignoring us!”
I sighed in exasperation as I read the text.
To be honest, I couldn’t find it in me to meet with them right now. It was tough enough individually, when they were concentrated masses of energy, but when they were together? That kind of power threatened to crush me underfoot. And sometimes, I just wanted them to give me space for myself.
Still..
They’d given me all this space for myself this entire time; it was already New Year’s Eve now.
The four of them had given such a wonderful performance even without me — no, that was arrogant of me to say. It was more that they did so wonderfully because I wasn’t there. And here I was deliberately ignoring them; I’d ran away that day to return home, hiding under the blanket and secluding myself for nearly a week.
Still, knowing how perceptive they were, it wouldn’t have surprised me if they sensed something was off and that it would be better to give me time alone.
But, well, I suppose by now, enough was enough; it was high time I made my return. And they had even given me a perfect excuse. How could I not respond when I was not only the one who selfishly decided to take a break but also the one putting our future plans on hold?
Speaking of future plans… I had decided on what we were to do.
In fact, I had already known what to do since the Christmas live.
But just thinking of how much trouble it would cause once I told them left me not wanting to do it, which was why I’d shut myself away in silence like this.
Still, I couldn’t stay this way forever, and with that resolve in mind, I picked up my phone.
“I’ll go.” “When?” “Are we meeting there?”
Seeing multiple replies pop up within ten seconds surprised me so much I dropped my phone under my bed.
“Just before the day changes.” “Rushed much?” “Too early and we’re standing around in the cold.”
It really was a sloppy plan.
I checked the time one more; I could sleep for another three hours.
I would be the absolute worst kind of person if I were to oversleep and not make our meeting, but it would be just as bad for me to meet up with everyone while drowsy from a lack of sleep, especially since this was the first time I would be seeing them in quite some time. As I considered my two options, three hours passed in no time at all.
I managed to meet up with the four of them along the way to the shrine.
It was Kaya who spotted me first; as I was walking, I heard someone call out “Murase-senpai!” from across the dimly-lit road. As I turned toward the source, four silhouettes appeared from under a light.
They looked so dazzling that I needed to shade my eyes to keep from going blind. All four of them wore coats in bright colors, not one of which was what they wore on Christmas Eve. Was that normal for girls? Just how many different winter coats did they have?
“You’ve got a duffel coat on today, Makoto-san! You look cute in this, too, but I like the peacoat from the other day just as much!”
Shizuki came bounding over, as though to keep from falling behind Kaya. Rinko hurried over as well, and she suddenly grabbed my hand.
“See? I told you so.”
“Huh? Wh-what?”
Surprised, I tried to pull my hand away, but Rinko had a firm hold on my wrist and refused to let go. She brought my hand high up into the air, turning to Akane and Kaya.
“He’s wearing the gloves I bought for him, as he should be.”
Wait, what about them? It was still winter and cold, and they were something she gave to me, so was there some problem?
Kaya’s eyes widened in pure shock.
“…It’s amazing how shameless he can be. Most people would at least try to hide it.”
“And here I was thinking Makoto-chan would’ve gotten better at it, but I guess not! So Rin-chan and Shizu-chan take this one. It’ll be my treat at the convenience store later.”
“W-wait, what’s going on?!”
The four stopped and turned to me, all at once. Akane gave a sly grin before answering.
“Well, Makoto-chan, seeing as we’ve had a bit of time to talk since that evening, we all know what you’ve been up to. Specifically, the very bad thing you’ve done.”
“…What very bad thing?”
This time Shizuki approached, placing her hand on my shoulder as she gave a merciful, benevolent smile…
“I just want you to know, Makoto-san, I appreciate how hard you worked on Christmas Eve. Was it tough, following such a busy schedule? For me, I thought it was strange how stressed you looked when you arrived, and how abruptly you had to leave.”
…but her eyes told a different story.
Meanwhile Rinko looked as expressionless as usual.
“It was quite impressive what you did, Murase-kun. Not only did you not turn down any of us, but you managed to avoid self-destructing along the way. That kind of dedication deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.”
And Kaya was the only one glaring at me with open dissatisfaction.
“Um, did this really just happen again? And I’m supposed to let it go, again? I’m not sure I can stay in the band if I have to keep going through this…”
“It’s okay, Kaya. You’ll get used to it.”
“And Makoto-chan didn’t mean any harm, either.”
“Well, the fact that he really did not have that intention is the worst part.”
“H-hold on! Just, what exactly are you guys talking about?”
I cried out in reflex, forgetting we were currently standing around in a residential neighborhood on the night of New Year’s Eve.
“D-did I do something wrong? I mean, um, it might be a bit late to mention it now, but all of you, well, um… How am I supposed to say this…”
“Yep, this is how he always is. But I think it’s fine for you to stay this way, Makoto-san, because that’s what makes you, you.”
“You’re just going to make things worse if you try to read that deep into me, you know…”
“Still, Murase-kun, that part of you is why I –“
“Nuh-uh, you’re not getting away with sneaking that in undercover, Rin-chan!”
“All of you are way too forgiving! I can’t believe this!”
In the end, the distant ringing of the midnight bell saved me from the conversation. I didn’t count how many times it rang in total, but I could feel the echo of its chime soak into the stillness of the night, stretching on and on. I found myself wishing it could just purify the incomprehensible worries and desires in me in this moment.
We moved on, following the road to the Hachiman shrine until the path became steep stone steps leading up.
A single handrail ran down the middle of the steps. It seemed inadequate for the long line that formed every year, to say nothing of how dangerous it could be for visitors coming at this time. Really though, I hadn’t expected many people to visit a shrine of this size for a midnight visit, but looking around proved that assumption wrong.
Were all of these people… lining up?
“Since we’re here, we should try and toss our coins at the same time, at the exact moment the date changes!”
“But what about the line? It’s already this long. How are we going to get the timing right?”
“We can walk and look around the shrine until the time comes.”
We talked about this and that as we made our way up the stone steps. Then, past the torii were electric lights, setup to illuminate the shrine grounds. Various food stands lined the side road as well, and dozens of people were lining up along the cobblestone path that led to the main shrine. It only hit me then that this shrine was more popular than I’d expected.
Akane immediately went off to one of the stalls but soon returned with amazake for each of us.
Again, I heard the tolling of the midnight bell, coming from a distance.
“There were… so many things that happened this year.”
Shizuki whispered through the gentle steam wafting up from the warm amazake in the paper cup in her hands.
“It must have been the most turbulent year of my life,” Rinko agreed and nodded.
“Same here. But it was also a lot of fun! The best, even!” Akane said, raising her paper cup with a cheer.
The year really was coming to an end…
As I stared down into the cloudy liquid in my own paper cup, I thought back on everything that happened this year.
It really was a very crazy year, full of highs and lows both. Really, so much had happened, so much had changed that the past fifteen years of my life together didn’t come close to this one year alone.
And in just ten minutes, that packed year would come to an end; another year would take its place.
But… before that happened, wasn’t there one last thing I had to settle?
The whole band was together. The bell tolled again in the distance. My throat was watered. My body was warm from my gloves and the amazake.
So right now, right here…
“So, uh…”
When I let out my hoarse voice, the girls immediately stopped and turned toward me.
It was exactly the same as what happened back then, the same overwhelming feelings as the night I welcomed Kaya into our orchestra as I left it.
All of this started with me.
“I just wanted to say, great job on the live. It was amazing.”
That they returned warm, happy looks… just made things more painful.
“And, um, I’m really sorry about just going straight home that day, and for ignoring everyone since then. It’s just… There was a lot that I needed to think about.”
“So you’ve figured it all out then?”
Rinko cut straight to the point with a quiet question. I steeled my faltering resolve, swallowed the saliva that was beginning to pool, and nodded.
“Please let me play in the band again.”
Shizuki nodded emphatically as she stepped closer.
“You’re finally coming back…”
“It always was your band, Makoto-chan,” Akane said plainly, “so you don’t even have to ask.”
And then there was Kaya, who took my words with a great big smile on her face. My heart ached more than ever as I looked at her. The others didn’t share that happiness as they seemed to already know what I was about to say.
I turned to look Kaya directly in the eye and continued to speak.
“But… Kaya, about your place in all of this…”
“Huh? Oh, right.”
“We won’t be taking you on as an official member.”
I could see the crack I’d left on that smile of hers, and I forced myself not to look away.
I couldn’t look away, no matter what. I had to face her directly, and tell her properly, clearly.
“I’ve been watching you play this whole time, saw how you played during the live. I know for sure that you are one hundred times better than me at the bass, but… in this band, only I can play the bass.”
I could see tears beginning to form in the corner of her eyes. I continued quickly, before they could spill.
“What I’m saying is, this is my — this is the band that I started. I’m the leader, and because of that, I have to be able to see it all, from the very center of our ensemble. That is why I have to play the bass.”
A single tear, the first, ran down Kaya’s cheek. I desperately kept control on my voice, willing it not to shake as I continued.
“And, well, as I watched you play, it became clear to me that you would go even further, shine even brighter, if you were to play solo.”
“…Huh?”
Another tear ran, down from her other eye, even as Kaya’s expression turned to confusion.
“You should be performing as Shigasaki Kaya. And if your father becomes an obstacle, you should take him head-on. And I will help you do that. In fact, please allow me to help you; I want to write songs for you.”
All sorts of emotions must have been running amok within her, but that wasn’t surprising nor would it stop me. I would be letting everything out, unleashing the entirety of my desires. I had resolved myself after all.
“Another thing: I want you to be a guest member of our band during live shows. It’s like you said, there will be times when we play songs that need two guitars, or songs that need three voices to sing.”
Silence fell over us, with only the ringing of the midnight bell to disturb it.
“…What are you trying to pull?”
Kaya’s voice shook with uncertainty.
“F-first you pull me in, saying you needed me when I didn’t want to, when all you wanted was a substitute. And now, having finished using me, you’re throwing me out, only to tell me you’ll want me as a guest? Just how s-selfish are you, Murase-senpai?!”
Everything Kaya said was correct.
At times like this, it would have been so much easier if Rinko would call me a sorry excuse of a person, or if Akane were to point and jeer at my actions, or if Shizuki were to console me with words that weren’t consoling at all. But no; right now, the three of simply watched in silence. This was a responsibility whose weight I had to shoulder alone.
“It really is selfish of me. But it’s also how I honestly feel. I don’t want you as a band member, Kaya, I want you alone, as a girl on her own.”
Kaya’s face flushed crimson.
“…Y-you, wh-wha–“
Her lips trembled, but the voice that came out didn’t form words. Had I been too aggressive? She didn’t seem angry, but when I realized the others were looking on with shocked expressions, I finally realized what I’d done wrong.
“Wait, I mean, I, uh, didn’t mean it like that! I meant to say I wanted you to be someone who could sing on their own! It wasn’t anything deeper than that, I swear.”
Rinko’s eyes turned ice-cold. Shizuki had on a gentle smile, and Akane gave an exaggerated sigh.
Kaya gnashed her teeth before letting out everything she had been holding in.
“Why do you keep doing this?! You really are the worst of the worst of the worst of the worst, Murase-senpai! Argh, and why am I like this, for someone like you?!”
It was getting uncomfortable, feeling the stares of onlookers hearing her outburst. If she would just quiet down and not shout like that…
“Oh, and there’s one other, uh, unpleasant thing I need to talk to you about, Kaya.”
“What now?! How do yo still have more awful things to say to me, after all of that?!”
“You’ve got your entrance exams coming up, right?”
She instantly froze up, petrified.
“You said you were applying to our high school. I don’t think our school is that hard to get in to, but I asked Shiraishi-san about how you were doing lately, and she said your practice scores are cutting it pretty close. We need you to focus on studying until March and not on playing in a band.”
“No… Noooo!!”
The news must have been too much for her to bear, because Kaya began flapping her arms in a panic as her face turned red to her ears.
“That’s totally unfair! You can’t just say all those selfish things and then end it with a completely logical argument! What kind of coward are you?!”
She could call me a coward all she liked, but…
Akane naturally interjected.
“What’s the problem, Kaya-chan? I can tutor you, ’cause didn’t you know, I skipped everything from my second year of middle school on, and I still made it in! You can count on me!”
The revelation seemed to overwhelm Kaya, who blinked rapidly in blank response.
“Uh, right… How… reassuring? I think..?”
“I will say that Akane is rather useless with math though, but I can help you there,” Rinko said, joining in from the side.
“Me too! You can leave classical literature to me! We can even have a study session at my house!” Shizuki enthusiastically added.
“But Rin-chan, you totally did worse than me on our finals!”
“I just wasn’t trying is all. And besides, studying for an entrance exam is completely different from studying for finals.”
“How about we all do a past exam as a test? The one with the highest score in a subject will teach it.”
“Heh, wouldn’t it be funny if any of us were to score less than Kaya-chan?”
As the girls happilly chattered away, Kaya, the odd one out, watched them with a confused look on her face.
“Why is everyone… doing so much for me?”
“Isn’t it obvious? It’s because we want to play music with you again, Kaya-san, so it would be much more convenient if you were attending our school. It would definitely be more fun, too.”
Her uncertain eyes flickered between each of us several times.
“But… aren’t I… not in the band anymore?”
“It is true that Murase-kun is our one and only bassist, and while we can play something amazing together with you on the bass, Kaya, that just isn’t PNO.”
Rinko answered her, speaking up for me. And she was right: it wouldn’t be PNO anymore.
“But that isn’t to say we don’t want to perform with you. In fact, when you go solo, we should be your backup band. And that would make us… What would you call this?”
“We would be sister units! ‘Cause we’ve got the same producer and all! And that means we can do collabs all the time!”
“Yes, exactly! I’ve always wanted to have a little sister like Kaya-san!”
Kaya’s eyes widened in surprise as Shizuki hugged her from behind.
Something Akane said bothered me, and because it seemed like we would inevitably gloss over what she just said if the conversation were to continue as it was, I cautiously spoke up.
“When you say ‘same producer’, who exactly are you talking about?”
“You, Makoto-chan!” “Makoto-san, of course!” “It’s obviously you, Murase-kun.”
Their all-out attack beat me into silence. Meanwhile, still in Shizuki’s embrace, Kaya glared at me, pouting and teary-eyed.
Eventually she began to speak.
“So what you’re trying to say is… you want to produce me, as a solo artist. Is that it?”
For a moment, I wasn’t sure how I should respond.
Me? As her producer? Did she even know what she was talking about? Because I’m just some nameless high schooler whose only accomplishment was uploading self-made songs to the Internet.
But I swallowed down those boring, ordinary words…
…because basically, it was exactly as she said, and as usual, the girls knew me better than I did myself. From that very first session, the moment I heard her harmonizing with Akane, I’d felt something like that, of wanting her. And it wasn’t enough to have her just for PNO; I wanted all of her for myself.
And I needed to be clear about that.
“Right… Yeah… Please, let me be your producer.”
Kaya rubbed her eyes with her palms before lifting up Shizuki’s arms and stepping out of her embrace.
“I understand.”
As she said so, Kaya turned around and bowed deeply to Rinko and the others.
“Thank you for everything. And, I promise I’ll do my best on the entrance exam.”
She straightened herself and then looked toward the main shrine.
“First things first: I’m going to pray for success! And then I’ll pray that Murase-senpai receives a lighter sentence, though I know he deserves even worse for all the crimes he’s committed, besides what he’s already done to me!”
And with that, Kaya strode confidently over to the back of the visitor line. She sure was angry, justifiably so. And I couldn’t complain if I really was punished for everything.
But for now…
I was at least able to unload one burden.
It was the one last thing I could no longer put off doing before the year’s end, and with everyone’s help, I was able to settle it amicably.
That just left one other heavy feeling in my chest.
“You really did it.”
Rinko came close, whispering under her breath as she looked toward Kaya.
“But is that all you have to say? Are you sure you’re not forgetting anything?”
I couldn’t meet Rinko’s eyes.
I just stared down at my toes.
I hadn’t forgotten; there was plenty more I needed to say. But it was a jumbled mess, all sorts of emotions I didn’t know how to deal with that I’d put away like shoving things into an empty closet. If I were to open that closet now, I was afraid it would all come spilling out, so I kept that door locked and planted myself on the floor with my back against it. That might have kept the door closed, but it also kept me from getting to my feet.
“No, but… not yet.”
That was all I could manage.
I could sense someone nodding in agreement.
I didn’t raise my face, but I did hear Shizuki speak.
“Shall we offer our prayers then? It’s almost midnight.”
I shook my head.
“You guys go on ahead. I’ll… be here.”
My heart refused to ask for guidance from the heavens.
Moreover, even if I did make a wish, nothing would change.
Nothing had happened after the final song, her Wish, that she left behind.
It was stupid of me, I knew; the only thing my stubbornness would accomplish here is ruining the girls’ mood, all over a little tradition. Really, why was I making such a big deal out of a little bit of time and a five-yen coin? I should have joined the others and waited in line with them.
But despite those thoughts, I couldn’t do it. The thing that still clung to my chest was just too hard to budge.
“‘Kay, then I’ll put in your offering for you, Makoto-chan!”
That was Akane’s voice.
And with that, the sound of three pairs of footsteps over gravel receded into the distance.
I turned my back against the light of the stalls and stepped back into the shadow of the lanterns. I found myself wishing it would snow; if it would only get colder and colder, enough to blanket the night in white and to freeze me completely from inside to out until it was all indistinguishable from each other…
As I looked up at the starless sky…
…the phone in my pocket trembled and whispered a quiet notification.
I dug my phone out of my pocket and stared at the ID and phone icon that appeared on screen. My heart fluttered as the incoming call registered in my mind.
I removed the glove from my right hand and tapped the screen with a trembling finger before placing the phone against my ear.
“…Happy New Year.”
A hoarse, breathy voice rasped from the other end.
A voice that was also nostalgic.
The door I kept shut suddenly shattered into pieces, and the heat of the emotions hidden within overflowed uncontrollably. I felt my lips tremble and my throat ignite.
“What the? This is MusaO I’m talking to, right? Don’t tell me it’s your cat answering the phone…”
“…It’s just me. And everything’s fine.”
I couldn’t tell if I was even speaking clearly.
“That’s good. Have you been well?”
“…Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”
What was with me? Weren’t there other things, so many more things, I needed to say? Why was I being so combative at such an important moment?
A muffled snicker answered me.
“You’re not wrong. So let’s see… I finally went back to the general ward yesterday, but I mean, it doesn’t matter which ward it is; celebrating the new year at the hospital is awful. The only good thing so far is supposedly having something special to eat tomorrow.”
“Isn’t that a good thing? What’s there to complain about?”
I swallowed back a frivolous “because at least you’re alive.”
I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing; what if that was all it took for this call, this connection to turn into one big lie and truly disappear?
“So where’re you now? I can hear the wind, footsteps, and… is that a flute? You hear it, right? Are you outside?”
I heard it, but she heard the sounds of everything around me so much better than I did.
“I’m at a shrine. We’re here for a New Year’s visit. Oh, and by ‘we’ I mean the girls. Did you want to speak with them?”
“No. Just this is enough for now.”
And then the voice became a whisper.
“There are already so many things I want to talk about, to hear about. Too many things, really. And it’s already this late at night. But… I’m satisfied, getting to hear your voice again, MusaO.”
“If you just want my voice, then I’ll do anything.”
“Anything, huh? Well if you put it that way, I do have one request. Can you turn on your camera?”
“…Huh?”
“I want to see your face. I know I see it all the time in your videos, but I haven’t really seen it in over half a year now.”
Seeing as both were through a screen anyway, wasn’t that no different from watching a video anyway? And is it just me turning on the camera, or are you also turning on yours? I almost asked but stopped myself. It would sound weird, like I wanted to see her face as well or something.
Not that I didn’t want to see…
But when her delicate whisper continued, it was like she sensed what I was thinking.
“As for me, well, I can’t exactly show myself just yet. My hair’s a mess, I’m all thin, and my skin’s all rough now. I don’t even have any make-up on. Maybe when I look a little better, okay?”
When she looks a little better, huh…
But despite hearing this promise that was too flimsy to be one, my heart thawed.
I took the phone away from my ear and pointed it to my face before tapping the camera icon.
For a while, there was no response, though I could feel her gaze looking me over. It was a little embarrassing.
“You’ve grown a lot.”
“Not really, no. How could I have? It’s only been six months, remember?”
A laughter like the rustling of trees in the night breeze answered me.
“Hehe. Well, thank you. Until next time then.”
The call ended.
I stared blankly at the dark screen, feeling like our call had been the continuation of a dream I couldn’t remember.
But there was proof of the call really happening; there, in the call history list, was our conversation that started some minutes ago.
Until next time,’ she had said.
Because she was still alive, that she lived, we were still connected. We could stand tall and continue walking on our own two feet.
I stood for a while longer, but eventually raised my head toward the light. Within that blinding brightness, I could make out swaying, shadowy silhouettes. I could hear the rhythm of the flutes, the beat of the taiko drums overlap with the sizzle of oil and the smell of cooking food.
And there, I could see the girls, looking back and waving, even as they grew more blurry in my sight.
I dropped my phone back into my pocket and pressed my empty palm against my eyes to feel the warmth of my body. There was life there, and it would continue once again. I could hear that circular cycle creak with motion as I stood there in the boundary of night and fire. As I waited for the sound of returning footsteps, the chime of the midnight bell on the far side came once again, gently enveloping me for an ephemeral moment.
<Fin>
Headcanon TL 
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